“Attention whore,” “slut with a pen,” “useless ho-bag, “Chiclet-toothed asshole,” “old, ugly and over” (at 26, no less!) and—my personal favorite—“dumber than an autistic child.” Almost immediately after I began writing a dating column several years ago, critics/bloggers tore me apart.

Why? Because I had the “audacity” to be myself—and then market it: Julia Allison™. (Isn’t that terminology totally obnoxious???) To me, this means being outspoken, brutally, sometimes uncomfortably honest, imperfect but positive. This is self-marketing. And every single person should do it.

People get marketing all wrong. They think it’s all about trying to be what other people want. But it’s really about being brave enough to put yourself out there—who you are—and not change in the face of people trying to make you something you’re not. My detractors will never like me. But honestly? Who cares?

For every denigrating comment, I’ll get five e-mails like this: “I must admit I didn’t like you at first…but you’ve won me over with your earnestness and desire for self-discovery.” Or this: “I am repeatedly floored by your honesty, your daily defiance in the face of the haterade-chugging masses.”

Ha. My daily defiance? He should see me when I’m crumpled into the fetal position sobbing on my kitchen floor. It’s been a long, long journey to Julia Allison™.

I grew up as the stereotypical ugly duckling (glasses and braces), reading The Feminine Mystique at age 12, crossing out all the hes in my seventh-grade history textbooks and replacing them with shes. I had boyfriends in high school, but I rarely felt pretty and was deeply insecure. College brought three years of bulimia and a half dozen romantic debacles.

I didn’t feel beautiful and confident at 15, 17 or even 21. It came slowly, and it came with hard work, which is exactly the opposite of what everyone assumes. Attractiveness—the power of seduction, the power to enthrall others—is rarely born. It is made.

And to be honest? A lot of it is just pure marketing. One of the most difficult parts of dating in New York is standing out. That’s why as a single person these days—male or female— marketing yourself outright is a necessary skill.

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