Dough or die

Lotto
The New York Lottery, which gave away almost $4 million in prize money last year, says you’re more likely to win the scratch-off Take Five than any other lotto game. (Odds that you’ll score the daily jackpot—which is the revenue from one day’s worth of ticket sales—are one in 575,757.) But you won’t be able to retire to Bali by next winter on those winnings. Instead, focus on Mega Millions, recently valued at $12 million (odds for the biweekly game: one in 2 million). Adjust your strategy based on whether you want to win just a small fraction of the total jackpot (easier) or a bigger chunk (harder): Playing as part of a pool of coworkers and friends will up your chances, or go solo and pick unique numbers (and avoid the too-common figures 1 through 6) so you reduce the risk of sharing your bounty with some other schmuck.
Do it? Sure, throw in five bucks a week. Why leave all the cash to some ironworker in Buffalo?

Prostitution
Disgusting, illegal—we know! But you kinda want to hear about the details anyway. Women make 200 to 300 bucks—or “roses”—per hour, advertising themselves on the Eros Guide (erosguide.com) and Craigslist. In your ad, state that all money is for “companionship only, and anything beyond that is between consenting adults.” And prescreen johns: Set up a “two-call system,” in which the horndog calls you (from an unrestricted number), and you can interview him and reveal your neighborhood without giving the address. Then you can scope him out on the street and decide whether or not to call him back. Finally, after you provide “services,” ask for a review on the influential Erotic Review (theeroticreview.com), where “hobbyists” trade tales.
Do it? And risk three months of jail time (maximum), not to mention possible psychos and VD? Consider selling your soul without selling your body. Used panties go for anywhere from $40 to $100 on Craigslist. One Queens woman, who entertains “all sorts of requests,” told TONY she earns about $60 per pair of panties, and has sold about ten pairs.

Rob a bank
…and go to jail! But here are two tips anyway: (1) Make sure your getaway destination is a foreign country on the outs with the U.S. (No extradition agreement! With Iran and North Korea out of the question, try Taiwan for about $650 one-way.) (2) While robbing a bank is a federal crime, you can minimize the length of your stay in the big house by forgoing weapons (try a kind handwritten note instead) and being really nice to your hostages.
Do it? No. Although food in jail is free—score!

—Dena Libner