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Get clean
No religion
Photograph: Dan EcksteinI was raised in an Orthodox Jewish household. We observed all the laws strictly, so I went to synagogue every week, kept a kosher home, only ate in kosher restaurants, kept all the holidays, learned about the laws in school. I was Orthodox through college and after college, when I lived on the Upper West Side, went to an Orthodox shul and my whole social network was Orthodox. And then, one day, I got frustrated.
Even in high school and college I considered myself an Orthodox feminist, so I was already struggling with issues of women’s participation—they’re not allowed to read from the Torah or lead services. I was already feeling like, Why is this such a struggle? I just wanted to do something more egalitarian, and I found a Conservative group called Hadar where women were leading the service. So I became really involved. And I was superreligious. And supercommitted. And I felt it.
But then I moved to Brooklyn, and the community was very different. There wasn’t this huge modern community waiting for me. It was much less intense. Most people here don’t keep Shabbat but do Shabbat dinner every so often and aren’t observant—I’d go to Shabbes lunch and realize, Oh, this food was just cooked. I was like, Don’t they know you’re not supposed to cook on Shabbes? I was sheltered.
But I did give in. At one point, there was a dinner like that and it was just me. I said, I’m gonna eat this food. And I ate it. And nothing happened.Doing that for a year wore me down. I had a crisis of faith. I felt like, Do I really believe in all this? Am I doing this because I believe in God, or why? Organized religion is a convention that people use to make life easier, and it works. It’s a lovely thing to be able to follow these very intricate laws, and say, Wow, I’m really good at this. And I was good at it. But if I’m 30 and I’ve never had a piece of shrimp—is that really how I want to live the rest of my life?
So one Saturday morning, I went to the Botanical Gardens with my sister who doesn’t keep Shabbes. It was a beautiful day in May. And I remember thinking, Wow, Saturday is another whole day! You don’t only have to go to shul or sleep late and stay at home—you can do other stuff! And that was a huge epiphany. I went to California that summer. And that summer, I had a nonkosher steak taco on the side of the highway.
That was different—I was very nervous, and I ordered very nervously. And I sat at this picnic table on the side of the highway, and the guy to my right was eating a steak taco, and the guy to my left was eating the same thing, and I thought, I am a person. I am a regular human being. I am no longer a “Jew.” And it was so liberating.
I’m very pleased and content with my life now. The weird thing is I teach at a Jewish school, so ironically it’s part of my everyday life—I’m forced to know what day of Hanukkah it is, and I’ll tutor bar mitzvah kids, but it’s a professional obligation. I just had a BLT for the first time. Bacon’s delish. At this really fancy restaurant, I had suckling pig. [Laughs] But I mean, is it wrong? I want to figure it out on my own.
—As told to MF
* Writer's name has been changed.
Photograph: Dan EcksteinHow to detox yourself
Agree? Appalled? Drop us a line—letters@timeoutny.com—and tell us what you think about “detoxing” from religion. ln the meantime, we’ll clue you in on Hadar, a group that’s trying “to create a community for Jews on the Upper West Side”—no matter what their stripe. “Our focus is on traditional, egalitarian prayer, learning and social action, so there are different ways to engage,” says organizer Lisa Exler.
Services are in Hebrew, but you’ll find translated text. Approximately 60 percent of attendees come from a Conservative background, 20 percent Orthodox, 12 percent Reform and the rest “other”—the group often meets in the basement of the Second Presbyterian Church (4 W 96th St at Central Park West). “The idea is for people to feel at home, even if they’re coming from a background that’s different,” says Exler. For info, go to kehilathadar.org.
Time Out New York / Issue 640 : Jan 3–9, 2008
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www.torahanytime.com. click on R' Yossi Mizrachi- any doubts, he will most certainly clear them. www.divineinformation.com
but you left for the wrong reasons. ANd if you left for the wrong reasons, your heart wasn't in it, and maybe it never will be- because youre too busy caring about how a BLT tastes. WHO CARES???? this world is olam shel sheker- its lies, and lust, and now now now. What happens down the line when your actions have dire consequences? who will you run to and ask for help? the suckling pig? His purpose in life was to lure people who have very little self respect or belief in themselves...
The problem is not that you were constricted- its that you didn't care. I try to teach my kids the beauty of our religion every day- and its a life worth's task. And although i cannot say 100% that i am successful, i know my heart is in it- and thats my passion. Taking apart your religion is easy. Hashem won't strike you with a lighting bolt- He endowed us with the freedom to choose in which way we decide to lead our lives- religiously, or not. I'm not going to convince you to come back-
I am a ba'al teshuvah, and a Judaic studies teacher. I've been on both sides, religious and not. I feel that this entire article was based solely on Taiva- desire. You have a desire to eat non-kosher. Its food. You are a slave to your food. You had a desire to be a leader. Which is truly commenadble- but why didn't you take that desire, and lead your life in a proper direction? Take those passions and do something productive, not destructive.
I belileve that 'Pig/no pig' has little to do with God and the heart of love which seems more like the essence of religion. Getting caught up in a relationship to the 'outside'practices seems less important holding the heart of it's intention. Other aspects of the Orthodox beliefs may inform and enlighten your current life. It's tricky to let go of some, and hold on to other parts -- but I believe that it's important work. Honoring our personal history by preserving parts of it feels like truth-telling to me.
Thank you, Sarah, for making it clear that I am not the only one who is facing this type of dilemma. While I applaud anyone who chooses to keep kosher because they want to, I'm beginning to think it's pointless unless you truly believe in it (not just because it's something that you have been always told to do). What's appalling to me is the number of people who blindly follow the rules of any religion without thinking about WHY they are following them. Good luck to you as you sort this out for yourself.
People underestimate the power of community over personal decisions. Ritual law is filled with meaningful symbolism that holds tremendous meaning, whether metaphorical or metaphysical. The toughest thing is being forced to defend your own personal beliefs up to the scrutiny of others (like Menachem and Faina here). Instead of worrying about meeting your approval, and forcing herself to conform to your relationship to the divine, Sarah is brave enough to meet her maker openly and honestly. Mazal tov.
What did she think? That lightning would strike her down as she ate her BLT? Bravo! She overcame her fear of Divine wrath and defiantly ate her fill of pork! How brave! How sad. Here was a person committed to her people, her faith and traditions, who slowly but surely lost her resolve to remain committed to the values she believed in. We all have values that we believe in. The hallmark of human greatness, however, lies in our ability to consistently live by those values. Despite the pressure of our social or economic environment, even against the tide of the sensual and material media that engulf us; a great human being will remain committed. This takes courage. This speaks volumes about one’s inner strength and convictions. Is it wrong for her to eat pork? It is not my place to pronounce judgement on anybody. Is it right for her to rationalize her lack of resolve by asking what’s wrong with non-kosher fast food? I cannot keep silent as I witness one more once-committed Jew disappearing into the sea of moral apathy. We all have our ups and downs. It’s never too late to recommit yourself to what you know to be your calling. You can still be that hero, that I know you are capable of becoming.
Hadar doesn't identify itself as Conservative.
I was appalled by article about completely forgoing Judaism's most crucial rules and at the same time being a teacher in a Jewish school. In my opinion, somehow this disenchantment with such great religion will come thru to those kids. I, myself, is not completely religious yet, but I'm on my way there, and it really makes me very sad to hear stories of this kind. What's worrisome is that our kind not only get intermarried in crazy rates, but also very weak to "pleasures" that non-jewish world has to offer. I do not know which school the author attended but know that my children study about these assimilation dangers in their Jewish school and hope they will not succumb to them in a way that the author did.