Walk of shame

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• Watch our writer smack down some of the city's worst pedestrian offenders in this video:

They walk slowly. They move in threes. They text. They stop atop the subway stairs, clogging up the works. They are the walking dead, flagrantly ignoring street etiquette. And they must pay for their crimes. One busy Thursday afternoon, TONY writer Laura Leu dressed as Five-O and hit the road, armed with a radar gun and a stack of tickets for the worst offenders. This is their story.

CRIME Walking too slow in a crowded area
Strolling is meant for places like Kansas and nursing homes, not NYC.

VIOLATORS Shannon and Candy; Chattanooga, Tennessee
The ladies’ matching i ™ ny T-shirts and Southern drawls made them prime suspects, but the evidence came when they appeared to be walking at 2mph. (Average walking speed is 3.5mph.) Their defense? “We’re slow in Tennessee. We take our time—even…when…we…talk.” Well, we’refastinNewYork, Shannon. Here’s your ticket—now move! We’re walking here!

Ella, Mary and Nadia

CRIME Stopping in an inconvenient place
If you can’t stroll while digging for gum in your purse or lighting a cigarette, then move it to the side, pal. It’s called a sidewalk, not a sidestand.

VIOLATOR Michael, New Hampshire
The perp was caught posing on the corner of Seventh Avenue and 48th Street with his two sons, while his wife snapped pictures. The obstruction lasted approximately 15 seconds. Like a typical juvenile delinquent, Zachary, 5, did not take the violation seriously and tried to sweet-talk his way out of the ticket by impressing me with his talent. “I can wave my hand this fast,” he boasted, while spazzily swinging his arm around in a circle. Okay, we’ll let you off this time, punk, but consider yourself warned.

CRIME Walking side by side in a group of three or more
Sometimes people travel in packs, and that’s okay. Walking side by side—not.

VIOLATORS Ella, Mary, Nadia; NYC
Trouble always comes in threes, and these violatresses were no exception. They sauntered down Seventh Avenue, lollygagging their way into oncoming pedestrian traffic. Said Ella of the ticket: “It’s annoying when other people do it, but I guess it just sorta happens.” Yeah, you know what else just sorta happens? Ticket!

Nicholas

CRIME Irritating use of cell phone
Among the crimes: texting, e-mailing and, worst of all, choosing obnoxious ring tones by ’90s pop stars.

VIOLATOR Nicolas, NYC
Nicolas was pulled over on suspicion of Texting While Walking—a crime characterized by a slow, weaving pace, bumping into people and/or objects, and the occasional grin, usually triggered by a crush who just texted “Wanna bone?” “I was texting my friend Megan, who’s in the hospital having her baby,” he said. “I was taking my time texting her, but I guess that was bad.” Gee, we’re not sure—ask your ticket. Here it is!

CRIME Stopping at the top of the stairs at a subway station
People get confused when they go into the ground, travel in a tube and reappear in a new location. Where is Wooster? Hint: not at the top of the stairs.

VIOLATOR Shawn, Boston
Shawn and his friend were in deep conversation. When I approached, the friend fled, leaving Shawn holding the bag. And that bag was filled with excuses. “No one was behind me,” he pleaded. “I wasn’t there long!” Tell it to the judge, Shawn. Have a ticket—and then move it along, buddy, move it along.

Our featured walks:

• The Zen walk: Get back to nature—without spas or drum circles.
• The stoner's walk: Blaze up and turn off Aqua Teen for a real-life trip. Wait, what’d you just say?
• The romantic walk: Yeah, it includes a sunset. (You won’t be making fun when you get lucky.)
• The night walk: It’s quiet, but not too quiet—some New York sights are best seen in the dark.
• The Queens Boulevard walk: Conquer the Avenue of Death and claim your reward: beer and a fantastic view.
• The dog walk: Take your furry confrere on a deluxe gambol that’s good for both of you.
• The other Fifth Avenue walk: There’s no Saks, and that’s what we like about this multiethnic stretch in Brooklyn.
• The Met walk: Don't let this giant art palace daunt you – hit the highlights, then let tourists descend.

Plus:

• Park avenues: Central Park offers more than half-naked Frisbee players in Sheep Meadow—witness rare birds, waterfalls and (bonus) free coffee on these five expert walking tours.
• Walk of shame: Our hot fuzz tickets slow movers, phone talkers and guy-who-stops-at-top-of-stairs.
• Submit your own walk: Cartography is fun. Show us your favorite ambles using Google Maps.